whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
