My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
