Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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