eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
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