you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
