Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
