dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Randomize
