There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
