I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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