hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize