she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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