And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
