So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
being pregnant is like rehab
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
