dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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