She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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