he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
