I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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