Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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