life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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