I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
