I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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