So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. Thatβs it.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ππππ
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