I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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