I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
