Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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