over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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