If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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