Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
