I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He's on the porch naked. Help.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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