yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
