i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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