i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
