this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Randomize
