I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
