now i know why i became what i already was.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize