fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
