May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
being pregnant is like rehab
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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