Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
