Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
