Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Randomize
