I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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