Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
