I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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