Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
