Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
