I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
