it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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