i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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