I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
