I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
