i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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