oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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