Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Randomize
