ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
