Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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