Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
