Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
True college students do jello shots in the library
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