I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
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