saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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