mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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